So here I will attempt to articulate; a few days ago, a precious nine-year-old German girl called me her ‘mom.’ Her biological mom is a drug-addicted prostitute and her dad isn’t even in the picture. She, along with another little girl, spent the majority of that day with their small arms wrapped around my waist, wanting me to hold them, carry them, love them. My eyes constantly fought against brimming tears. All I could do was tell them how beautiful and sweet they are, how beloved they are. Such an array of thoughts churned in my mind; mostly conviction. In a month I will return to one of the nicest private universities in America, and they don’t have the opportunity to choose another reality from their lives in Schöneweide. Usually we have multiple kids ringing the doorbell of our apartment flat daily, for they know we’re the only place in the neighborhood where they can receive healthy love and attention.
Everything I’ve been seeing and experiencing has led me to ask myself many questions lately. What are we doing with our time? With our spiritual and material gifts? I’ve been getting frustrated lately even thinking about the concept of missions trips. I don’t care if we preach well, sing well, build houses well, pray well, donate money, etc---the only reason we can even do any of that is because Jesus redeemed and healed our broken lives and hearts in the beginning. Obedience shouldn’t be so impressive---we should live knowing that all we have and are is a glorious gift from our awesome Father. And honestly, if we ‘lead’ people into the same beautiful love of God, it’s not our glory, because the Holy Spirit is the one who changes hearts. It’s hard for me to post pictures or blogs about this journey, because I don’t feel like I’m doing something that is extraordinary. Loving those children is more of an honor than anything. They deserve to be loved. We should be stepping up as followers of Jesus around the world.
It's challenging to share these experiences since I can’t photograph the majority of them. Most of my photos are from my days off, when I like to take time to explore other sections of the city. I can’t capture scenes such as the little girl I saw the other day who had missing chunks of hair and scabs all over her body because some of the kids here cut themselves just to feel pain. I can’t show you images of prostitutes, drug addicts and pimps in the red light district, or of the majority of the kids in this neighborhood who don’t even know their dad, or other such cases I've seen throughout my weeks here.
Sitting here in my Anthropologie jeans it feels cliche to write about my own personal challenges, but besides being limited in my speaking skills, at times I find myself frustrated with the lack of radical change. I want to see freedom and redemption, love and hope arising…but God is really revealing to me what it means to have His joy be my strength. I got upset a few days ago thinking about the brokenness I’ve seen, and I cried out to God, “How am I supposed to have joy when things are so hard and at times bleak? When we pray and pray and nothing miraculous happens?” And God gently reminded me that our joy, delight and satisfaction are not in what He does but in who He is. If our joy was grounded in what God does, that would be a performance-based relationship. And whether or not God gives us exactly what we desire, He is sovereign, and His love for us is steadfast. Our relationship with Him is about who He is---and He is beauty and goodness and perfect love and I will celebrate Him despite what I see in the natural. Our God is the supernatural, powerful, mysterious and perfect One. I’m seeing that when I hold His hand in the midst of my weakest and most vulnerable points, I’m stronger than ever. Even when I’m frustrated, losing patience, exhausted…He calls me beloved and beautiful. He is the Lord of all, of every moment and every circumstance. And just like the lyrics to Mandisa's song, "These Days, "I'm learning to love these days, life along the way; In the middle of the crazy, God Your love is so amazing! Through the ups and downs, You're the only hope I've found. Lord You meet me in the madness…" Which is what I'm learning in the course of this trying internship. Here is an example of my weekly schedule:
Tuesday: up at 6 a.m. (11 p.m. America time, ha) I’m allotted a 20-minute shower. Intern breakfast at 7:15. Staff worship and intercessory prayer from 8 a.m.-9:15 a.m. My morning is spent grocery shopping and cooking for the rest of the staff. Lunch is at 12:30 p.m. Around 1 p.m. we have more staff worship and intercessory prayer, and each of us are assigned individual hours to be in the prayer room. The rest of the afternoon is spent praying and cleaning our intern apartment flat. Then at 6 p.m. we meet again for staff worship and intercessory prayer. Bed at 10:30.
Wednesday: Repeat of aforementioned morning schedule, then in the afternoon we have “Spiele Nachmittag,” an afternoon playtime and Bible teaching for neighborhood kids. Then at 6:30 p.m. we have Hauskreis, the church’s small group, with worship and teaching. Afterwards we clean the entire ministry facility. Bed at 10:30 p.m.
Thursday: Repeat of aforementioned morning schedule, then we prepare for our brunch, open to the neighborhood and church members. Someone preaches. After cleaning the ministry facilities again, we distribute kids’ ministry invitations to neighborhood families and sometimes bring food to people who live in the Wagenburg. At 5 p.m. we have Frauen Fitness, a Christian fitness training class. Afterwards is our weekly staff meeting, again with worship and intercessory prayer. Bed at 10:30 p.m.
Friday: Repeat of aforementioned morning schedule, then the day is spent preparing the curriculum for the kids’ ministry, praying, and cooking. Friday afternoons we have an outreach time for teenagers to come and hang out, and we also have a Bible teaching for them. After cleaning the ministry facilities, we have bed at 10:30 p.m.
Saturday: Repeat of aforementioned morning schedule, then our biggest kids' outreach is in the afternoon. We have skits, teaching and worship for them. Then after cleaning the ministry facilities around dinner time, a few of us interns go with some adults from the staff to the red light district in Berlin to minister to prostitutes, drug addicts and whoever else is willing to talk/pray with us.
Sunday: We have the morning off. Then at 3 p.m. we meet for staff worship/intercessory prayer and start cooking for church that night. Our service is from 6-8:30ish. Then after cleaning the ministry facilities, we have bed at 11:30 p.m.
Monday: our day off.
Having such an intensive schedule has most assuredly been teaching me about living less out of my feelings and more out of who God is. Despite how we ever 'feel,' God is steadfast and faithful, unfailing in His perfect love. I’m discovering the true essence of, “Rejoice in the Lord always,” and “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” I'm also learning that I may not be able to fix every broken heart I encounter, but the One who can lives in us---and His Kingdom is our Kingdom----full of joy, freedom, peace, healing, restoration, life. We work from the resources of heaven, not from what we see.
“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; for Yahweh, the Lord, is my strength and song!” Isaiah 12:2
He is our song. I want to encourage you, dear hearts, that He is for us, and intricately more at work than we realize. Don’t ever stop singing. As we abide in His love, hope arises. Fight the good fight of faith. His joy is our strength.
Father, tune our hearts with Yours.
Father, tune our hearts with Yours.
Love from Deutschland,
Megan
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